I guess I’ve finally reached that age where you realize ….
1. you’re not making as much as you think are you,
2. you’re not as wise as you thought you were.
A year out from the wedding, and it’s finally hit me: I’ve done a shitty job of saving money. I hid behind the excuse “Oh it’s more than a year out, I have plenty of time to save.” But, as some may know, I’m horrible at math and great at spending. With a little less than a year left to go, I’ve done the math and I’m scrambling to save every penny I can. It’s hard to accept I might actually go into major debt just to have a party for one day.
For the last 2 weeks, debt has just been on my mind all day long. I keep toying with the idea of picking up some side gig, but not sure if I’m mentally ready for the stress that comes with working full-time AND part-time. I know other people who are strong enough to do it, just not sure if I’m one of them.
With every fan that’s left on, or piece of bad food thrown out, I literally see dollar signs leaving my wallet. How the heck am I supposed to save up for a wedding, pay for health insurance, and put money aside for a retirement plan? I’m trying to get creative and spend less, but sometimes I feel like it’s pointless and my efforts aren’t doing anything.
Another thing that keeps me up at night: wondering if I know what’s really going on in my life. It’s ridiculous, but asking yourself to believe and trust in something or someone IS a lot to ask of someone. I did not understand the gravity of such a request until recently. Yes I was really scared to let go, and trust other people, but I got over it because I thought, “well, it’s not costing me anything to trust someone. Yeah, my pride, and heart might get affected, but I’ll bounce back because I’m strong!”
So you go and start these relationships with people, and you understand the trivial matters that accompany the phrase, “there will be ups and downs, but you can always lean on someone for support” until things start to unravel.. stuff you thought you had the answer to no longer make sense. You start to wonder if the person you’ve become is who you want to be. Everything you say and do gets over analyzed. The over analyzation and rationalization kills me. 10 years ago, I would’ve just led with my emotions. Been completely selfish and immature. Now, I’m picking and poking at every thought, and wondering, “Am I being unfair? Am I being too quick to judge because of how this will affect ME?” The over analyzation causes me to keep everything in because I don’t know the answer. If I don’t know the answer, then how do I respond to situations? I don’t. I keep it inside… brewing like a (insert horrible cauldron/boiling water analogy here) of anger, confusion, betrayal, disgust, and sadness.
How did our parents hide the complexities of maturity so well from us?